How It Goes

I love Christmas. Not as much as Halloween, but it's a close second. You see, I don't get to see my family a lot since I basically always have to be somewhere doing something, but during Christmas I get a chance to see all of my siblings and most of the cousins/aunts/uncles that I never see anytime else.  I'm one of those weird people that actually really likes all of their family. We don't really have drama in our family, we're not like that, so there's no reason not to like everyone. (Although now that I'm older I'm actually finding out what the drama is)  So Merry Christmas to everyone that celebrates it! If you don't- Happy December and happy whatever holiday you celebrate!  (I had to wrap all of those suckers). Bye everyone!

How can one person manage to fuck up so goddamn much in life? It's like I'm watching myself purposely destroying everything I have, but not doing anything about it because I don't even know how to fix it. I'm so afraid of failing (even though I think I am). My classes, my job, I'm doing so horribly in both of those right now. I think I've just done so shittily on my finals that I'm afraid of failing the semester. Even more than that, I'm afraid that I'm not smart enough for this school. Like, maybe the farce (i.e. my being here and trying to major in architecture and having these friends and this life) is over. I just don't know how to fix anything (everything)  that's gone wrong, and once I do try I can't focus, and then all I want to do is go back to my bed and read and sleep for days. What's wrong with me? Why can't I be better?

Now that I need to have it, my ability to focus is shot. Gee THANKS!

Today, as with most laundry days, I decided to be an asshole. You see, I like to wait until the last possible moment to do my laundry when I have a crap-ton of it and no longer have any clothes left to wear. The asshole part comes along with the fact that I slowly take over a whole floor's laundry room. Basically, I monopolize both washers and dryers which they always tell you not to do but I do it anyway and I feel like as asshole and it's kind of fun. And then last night my life was a thrilling night of homework and cleaning my apartment. Wow, my life isn't thrilling at all. Oh well, I'm resigned to my fate. Bye everyone.

I've been feeling really down lately. I was a part of this gift exchange with sorority sisters from all around the US, and it was super exciting, 'cause you make this wishlist online and put fun stuff on it and then you got paired up with another sister who you were to send a gift to. And I did send my gift, and my secret sister loved it and there's still more on the way for her because the other company is super slow, and I'm really excited for her to still get that, but... I didn't get anything. Maybe that sounds whiny to some of you, and I hate being whiny, but I've been really down lately and so I was super looking forward to getting a fun present in the mail. Even if it was just one thing. But it's been over five weeks since we got our secret sisters assigned to us, and still nothing. And I guess I'm just feeling really disappointed, and kind of like no one cares (when I know they do, but this kind of being ignored really hurts. When you try r...

I just really want all of my Harry Potter books right now. And the movies. And for finals to be over so that I can marathon both of them. It's been way too long since I've read/watched HP shtuffs and I'm just really missing that right now.

Today is a weird day. Not weird as in weird things have been happening, but more like I woke up and something just felt really off. Last night I felt like I could conquer the earth if I wanted. Then I woke up and everything felt a little off. Nothing felt good. It was as though somebody had taken everything in the world and shifted it two inches to the left, as though somebody woke up and was like 'Let's fuck with this person a little. Make them feel crazy.'  (Or maybe it's my brain that's shifted just a bit). Like, now, I have no motivation (and I NEED to have motivation. We're in the three weeks of finals now). I have a lot of work to do, and I know how important it is for me to finish it all, but I can't muster up enough feeling to care. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I don't want. Something about today is just wrong.