How It Goes

Oh my god I'm gonna fight so many people. I am INFURIATED

Drown me in words; others' creations. Drown out the noise in my head, the words that come to pound at my heart the moment I forget to lock its door. Let me hear instead the worlds of others, filling up the negative space my body holds. Let them push out the bad and the ugly, if only for a moment. And I'll swim away on seas of letters and paragraphs and stories, lost in thoughts that are not my own.

Oh lordy. This weekend I am embarking on an adventure, right here in my wonderful little town. The premise of this adventure is that the family I nanny for, the oldest girl just turned 10 (ah, they're growing up!), and her parents surprised her with a no-brothers four-day trip to the Windy City (aka Chicago). And since you very obviously cannot leave an eighteen month baby and four year old alone, I am going to be staying with them for the next five days and four nights. Straight. It's gonna be one for the record books, so wish me luck evereyone! Anyway, I must be getting off to class (ugh, Intro to Sociology) but I just wanted to put that out there. Much Love, TheFabKid (P.S. It's not gonna be that bad, I'm just a teensey bit worried about schedules and getting them to bed, especially the four year old. He REALLY doesn't like going to sleep.)

Hey y'all. So, I decided to jump back into here because I've been having shit happen that pushed me back into the public writing mood (I forgot how good it feels). In doing so I decided to go over some old drafts I had saved on here and basically give 'em a quick shine up and send them on their way out into the world. Just a bunch of stuff I was tired of drafting but didn't want to get rid of, so that means you're basically getting all of my too-good misfits from years past. They're honestly from so many different moments over the past couple years that I don't think they make much sense together, and you can all just disregard them if you please, read 'em if you want, but I'm basically just cleaning up shit here now. That's all folks! TheFabKid

I have this theory. This theory that I am self-destructive when it comes to my friends. It gets to a certain point in our relationship and I decide to go 'Nope! Can't get too close!', and then my brain decides that I don't actually need people in my life. That everything is actually fine without them and that everyone sucks and is super annoying. Truth be told, I really hate it when my brain does that. I try not to make it like that. I think about everything that I love about my friends, because I actually do love them to death, but I think my brain is afraid that my heart's going to get hurt somehow and so decides to be a dick. It kind of sucks.

It's strange to think that there are some things that you probably won't be able to tell anyone, or at the very least only a few people. I have secrets like that. Mind you, they're not all super big or important secrets but they still exist. I told one of my bigger ones a few days ago. Only two people know it now, and that's probably the way it's going to stay for a while. It's weird to think that someone else knows now 'cause it's something that I've only ever thought a lot about to myself. Sorry if I'm being cryptic. It's just a personal secret that I've put a lot of thought into. I don't think that I'd be judged for, but it's still something that's hard to say out loud.

Alright, so this isn't really a secret, just a funny thought that may be the side effect of being overly tired. I want watching Spirited Away on veoh, a site that hosts ads on one side of the screen, and I wasn't paying attention to the add when something flashed by that was tan, and since the movement caught my eye, I looked. I don't normally pay attention to the ads because they're always stupid and usually sexual, so this was an accident. But since I saw a round tan thing flaw by I though it would be, like, a butt, but then this McDonald's hamburger came into view, and the only way I could describe the shot was seductive, which caused me to crack up because that's what they normally try to do with the people in the ads, yet here was this hamburger far surpassing all of them in it's sheer seductiveness. I guess that has something to say about the consumer culture that we live in, doesn't it? I, however, am too tired to think about any of that right no...

I'm just going to talk a little bit about my birthday. Or rather, how I feel about my birthday. You see, I love my birthday. I feel freaking invincible during the month of October. And it's not the presents, or the people wishing me happy birthday, or all that me-me-me-centric stuff. I mean, I won't say it's not nice, but that's not the reason I love it.  It's because, on my birthday I have the unlimited right to feel great. No matter what happens, because it's my birthday, nothing can go wrong. Because on my birthday I have the unlimited right to feel like the badass motherfucker that I always am without second-guessing it. Basically, on my birthday I really step into the role and become the BOSS that I always am. Because my birthday rules. TheFabKid (I also happen to love apple cider and donut holes, which are both perfect together and in season during my birthday). 

I hold my feelings in a lockbox in my heart. The key is thrown away and hopelessly forgotten because I don't want to remember. I don't want those relentless hands pulling me back down, down so far that I'm drowning in feelings and emotions and recklessness. So I fold them up tidily and pack them away; back into the little box that I make them fit in. Because I don't know how to deal with it. Don't know if I want to even learn how. Right now, at this moment in time, it feels better to feel nothing at all. To exist in my space and just be, without anything untoward breaking me down and cracking the foundation I'm trying to build here, a foundation strong enough to bring me somewhere else far away from here. So you may think it silly or stupid, or perhaps even impossible, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try my damndest to keep everything down and away and nonexistent. To put it where I can't see it until I'm ready to remember and fee...