I'm Emotionally Constipated

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I hold my feelings in a lockbox in my heart. The key is thrown away and hopelessly forgotten because I don't want to remember. I don't want those relentless hands pulling me back down, down so far that I'm drowning in feelings and emotions and recklessness.
So I fold them up tidily and pack them away; back into the little box that I make them fit in.
Because I don't know how to deal with it. Don't know if I want to even learn how.
Right now, at this moment in time, it feels better to feel nothing at all. To exist in my space and just be, without anything untoward breaking me down and cracking the foundation I'm trying to build here, a foundation strong enough to bring me somewhere else far away from here.
So you may think it silly or stupid, or perhaps even impossible, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try my damndest to keep everything down and away and nonexistent. To put it where I can't see it until I'm ready to remember and feel, to embrace it and wrestle with it until I understand it.
But that time isn't now. So for now I'll carry that little lockbox of emotions in my heart and let it be.

TheFabKid

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