How It Goes

All I can think in right now are lists. Lists of things to do and classes and homework and Deepher Dude and RA shtuff  and what's going to happen next year. It's this constant worry of 'What should I be doing right now? Stuff should be getting done.'  I pull all-nighters and issue emails at 6AM because that's when I'm most awake (and then sleep when the sun's out and skip my classes because I just don't want to go. I'm a bad student. I should probably be more worried about that.) And I went out (to a Coney Island, not Out) at 1AM last night with my friend and we just had fun and talked and ate food, so I'm feeling better because of that, but there's still this kind of constant dread and exhaustion on my mind.  I'm co-organizer for this event next Thursday, and I want it to go well. When it's over I won't be so frazzled anymore. Basically I'm sending more emails and texts than ever right now and getting to spend some qua...

So, the the nerdy fangirl side of me is going to come out for a second here, cause I have a lot of feelings about this show and I need to freak out about it for a second.  But I just found this show, called The 100 and I love it and there's these two characters and they're my fave and the show is awesome and there's like all this character growth and also trauma and action and funny and much sadness (lota people die, just saying). So it's wonderful and I love it and I'm kind of completely obsessed with it right now. Yeah. I also decided to re-watch the series instead of watching the last two episodes because I don't want to deal with the fact that I have to wait for another season (Even though I already know what happens because of Tumblr). So that's what's hip-hoppity-happening with me right now. How are your weekends looking lovelies? TheFabKid

My level of 'I don't even know anymore!' is at the point where I was up at 6:30 AM and made myself Lebanese green beans and tomato soup for breakfast at 7:00 AM. Like, what the flippity-flop is wrong with me? Sincerely Clueless, TheFabKid

I have people who tell me that they think I can do great things, that they know I can do it. It's 2:30 AM and I just want to talk to my friends, but I don't think anyone is still up, so instead I'm just going to sit in my bed and try to drown out the sound of my own brain by listening to my music loud enough that it hurts. I found out tonight that I can't try and run for an LT position in my sorority because my GPA is .05 too low (and I'm trying so hard, to do better with everything, really trying), because last semester was just really tough (in more ways than one). Before that I was at a 2.95, and it just really really sucks. You see, there was a particular position that I really wanted to run for on LT, and now I can't. So I can't be on LT. I didn't get a little this year. And I didn't get the RA position back. And I'm really worried about a couple of my classes. And now I don't have a car and I've been feeling really trapped her...

So I just want to write about who is currently my favorite musician out there right now; George Watsky. You see, it's just like- When I want to feel better I listen to Watsky. He's a rapper, and the only rapper I like. Watsky isn't like a normal rapper, he started out doing spoken word and is just generally amazing. He raps about being different-about pulling yourself together-about how maybe everything isn't okay right now; and I just always tend to calm down from when I'm having a sort-of meltdown at 5AM (that's specifying right now, but it applies to more times than now), and come out of life feeling a tiny bit better. I happened to forget about a project until like last night, which wouldn't normally be such a big problem, but this is my first time using the Rhino software and for whatever reason I'm having a lot of trouble trying to work with it. So my project isn't going to be done on time. And I'm just feeling really stressed out wit...

I like it when my coffee is so bitter that the smell invades my whole dorm room and when I drink it it curls my toes. It’s the feel of an all nighter, and oh my lordy, could I live on that rush. 

So, because I am alone and stir crazy and its Spring Break, I decided to go on a solo bike-ride-roof-climbing adventure at 3:00 AM today. Here's a picture of the lovely view:  (It's actually very nice, what with the fog and all).  Much love, TheFabKid 

The smell of winter turning into spring. It just makes it feel like something better is coming.

Today I was reading an article about quotes from children's books, and here are a few I really loved. “It doesn’t happen all at once,” he said. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”  — The Velveteen Rabbit  by Margery Williams “The sun was rising behind her now; she could feel the heat on her back, and it gave her courage.”  — The Princess Bride  by William Goldman  "How luck I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -- The Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh by A.A. Milne  “‘What day is it?’, asked Winnie the Pooh. ‘It’s today,’ squeaked Piglet. ‘My favorite da...

So I feel like there's this big shiny myth associated with college. That it's this grand new adventure that might be scary at first, but that no matter what you'll be Okay. That you'll find your niche and then nothing can go really wrong for you anymore. Maybe not all of you feel the same way, but that's how all the books go, and the movies, and that's what you're told in high school.  And I love being here, I wouldn't take that back for anything. But college didn't fix anything for me, and even when things do get better, eventually I end up feeling broken again. And I hear it from the people around me, and ugh. I'm just so done with constantly feeling so drained. Certain parts of school are fabulous, but sometimes it's just all too much.  So yeah. Basically I'm just being a pessimist who doesn't believe that things can stay better. (Sorry if this didn't make sense).