Sorry, It Ran Away

Well, everyone, it's been a little while, hasn't it?

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. What it feels like to be home. My friends, what to post about. Just my brain doing its normal stuff. So I'm going to start this out by talking about home and college. (It's kind of the obvious choice, given where I am right now).

So I have this actually rather ancient (as far as stuffed toys go) stuffed pink dog that my mom actually had as a kid, and then have to me when I was younger. (It's name: Pink Dog. My mom gave it to her, but to be honest, I can't think of any other name that would suit her). But the thing about both my mom and I having owned this dog for a very long timer and that Pink Dog is rather fragile and no longer goes everywhere with me. She's had her fair share of patches while in my posession, and I'd rather not create any more. 

Anyway, Pink Dog has this really distinct scent, and I was snuggling her whilst trying to fall asleep the other night, and in that moment everything suddenly just felt really right. Me being in my bed in The Cabin, with Pink Dog - I just felt warmer and safer and happier than I had in a long time. It was like nothing could go wrong and that everything was finally as it should be. 

It felt like home. 

I'm going to backtrack a little here. This last semester was basically just one big hot mess for me. I don't think I've ever felt as down and stupid and sad and lonely and as much of a screw-up ever before in my life. I in no way have my shit together, in any way shape or form, and that all just kind of turned into what last semester was. (A secret: I was homesick and people sick a lot). And then I come home and everything is actually good. Like, for real. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm nervous to go back to school. Like, I really want everything to get better, but I don't know if I can actually do it. Like, what if I actually am this massive screw up who can't do college. 

On Christmas Eve we had my niece her husband and their daughter (my niece and he are actually around 21, and then kid is only maybe 2. It's not weird, I promise), over for dinner, and the subject of my siblings came up, and just kind of what their mother thought of them, and how it shaped what they a do (the three of them have a different mom than I do, and she's very different from mine). 

Basically though my oldest brother is like, the ideal son. He graduated from a good school as an engineer, has a good job a wife and a kid. You know, the typical good life, but more, cause they're cooler than that. And while talking to my niece, my mom said something about my sister being compare to that (and my sister's no slouch, she just had a different lifestyle, and my other brother has a lifestyle that different from both of them). And as my mother was saying this, all I could think was 'Yeah, wonder what that's like' because I'm going down a very similar path to my brothers. My ambitions and school and everything are so close to what he has, that I just have this need to succeed. To prove to everyone that I actually am as smart as my brother. And that not only do I have my mom's pressure to turn out well, I've got a of my older, successful siblings to live up to. 

And sometimes I don't think I can.

I don't want to make this post any longer than I already have. (I think this one just kind of got out of hand and turned into something completely different from what I intended). Sorry about how long it is. 

Anyway peeps, I wish you all the best in this new year! I hope it's everything you want and need this year.

Much Love, TheFabKid