My Dad

So, this is coming a bit early, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I don't want to miss the date, so it's just going to get put up early.

 My dad's birthday was on November 4th. I missed it this year, and that fact caused one of my bigger breakdowns so far this year. I hadn't realized that I had missed it until I saw a post on FB from my sister about it. I was already strung out from lack of sleep and studio work, so the fact that I missed his birthday just pushed me over the edge. I didn't want that to happen this time, so I wanted to get this all out beforehand. 

As of this upcoming Thursday, February 27th, it'll have been six years since my dad passed away. In sixth grade, my dad was first diagnosed with cancer. We thought that he went into remission, but in seventh grade it came back, and that time, it was terminal. 

This is something that I don't really talk about with people that much because it's still something that's really hard for me to think about myself. When it initially happened, I couldn't deal with it that well. I tried to stay strong, but really I just retreated into myself and stopped trying to make friends with people, and became a quiet shell of myself. I didn't know how to deal with the situation, and I didn't want to rely on anyone else to help me deal with it either. Eventually I kind of grew out of that stage. I was still pretty quiet with anyone that I wasn't already friends with, and thinking about my dad still usually brought me close to tears, no matter what time it was, or where I was. 

Loosing my dad that young changed me. I always think that there was so much about him that I still want to know about. My dad lived such a cool life, and I feel like the only part of him that I knew was the part when he was my dad. I want to know about the cool things that he did beforehand, and what it's like to live in other countries. I also think that I probably would have turned out differently if my dad had been around my whole life. 

I'm still that mess now. I can talk about my dad himself, but about his death, or how he died, I still can't to that. Even just writing about it here is tough. 

My dad was the greatest. Of my two parents, he was the one that I got along with a little better. We were pretty similar, and I remember wanting to be just like him. He had a nickname for each of my siblings and I, and mine was Noodle, and I can still remember how he said it (my dad had an accent). I can remember what he was like when he cam home from work (he was a carpenter), and even built me my loft bed that I still have and love. It was a Christmas present from him in sixth grade. He was just the absolute best.

I still miss my dad a ton. A day doesn't usually go by that I don't think about him, even if it's just a little bit, a passing thought. Life without him has been hard. I loved my dad, and we always got along. My mom and I tend to butt heads on a ton of subjects, and my dad was always the one to cool us down. He was great, and obviously had a part in making me who I am today. There are points in my life when I just miss him so much, and times when I want him back. I know he can't come back, but at the same time I want him to. 

I had a dream once, and in it I was sitting outside at my old house, and for some reason my dad came riding up in this car. He was back and he explained to us that he had to fake his death for something, but now he was back. The thing is, that dream happened recently. I knew for a fact that he can't come back, and that he never will, but I dreamt about it; I don't know why. I haven't told anyone about that dream yet. 

I actually haven't told anyone about any of this really. The only person that I've ever talked to about this this much is my best friend, D. She knows the most about me regarding any of this. 

I know this probably isn't the most coherent thing that I've ever posted, but it was more just so that I could get it all out there, write my feelings down someplace. I guess that's all I really have to say for now. 

Bye folks, 

TheFabKid

P.S. Here's a picture of my Mom, Dad, and I when I was really young.